Jiraiya's last peep
by Spiral Daydreams
Summary: slightly random fic.Kakashi noticed. All of the new Icha Icha books...their characters seem familiar. When treaties are made and tempers are calmed, what will Jiraiya await as his fate is planned in Mokoto's sweets shop by vengful shinobi?
1. The meeting

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Nor does several other writers on this site. So kay?

I've been wanting to write this for a while. My first multi chapter story! I realize that many things that happen in this story have little chance of actually happening, but seeing as how this is for laughs, I doubt you really care. Any suggestions for torture on Jiraiya is helpful and may or may not be borrowed. But I speak too long. On with the story! Set in Shuppiden, Sasuke's here, everyone lives, and my beginning sucks.sorry.

rawr

Kakashi, Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke were at the training grounds. They had just finished training, and were eating lunch. Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, and Sai were talking, when a unusually quiet Kakashi said 'Around supper time, can we meet at Mokoto's Sweet Shop at 8:30. Several other shinobi are showing up, we need to discuss something that affects us all. Nothing that is a danger to the village,' Kakashi said with assurance, seeing the look on his team's faces. 'just a problem…' Kakashi trailed off.

'Kakashi-sensei, are you all right? What do you want to tell us?' Sakura asked, looking worried.

' Oh, don't worry Sakura, I'm fine, and you can wait for tonight for the information tonight at the sweet shop.' Kakashi smiled, but he didn't feel like it was convincing. 'I've got to go. See you later!' With that, Kakashi vanished, leaving three stunned people in his wake.

'So…he left pretty quick, didn't he?' Naruto said awkwardly, staring at the spot Kakashi was moment before.

'Huh…' Sai and Sasuke said.

'I guess we wait, then.' Sakura said, also staring at where Kakashi was sitting.

'Hey, wait! Sakura-chan, Sasuke-baka, Sai-kun, isn't Mokoto's the candy store with ramen -flavoured pocky? We have to go now, we have to go!' Naruto cheered, pulling on Sakura's arm. Sakura sighed. _Seven hours in a candy store, I'm going to become huge_…

8:35

'Well, well, everyone is almost here.' said Kakashi. Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke were there, as well as Team 8, Team 10, Gai's Team, the kazekage Gaara and his siblings, Tsunade and Shizune. 'Just a few more…'

'We're here, un.' Deidara muttered, walking in.

'Tobi wants candy! Can I get some Deidara-sempai?' Tobi cheered.

'Tobi, shut the fuck up.' Hidan said simply. Then…

'Itachi! You bast-' Sasuke was cut off as Mokoto came in.

'If you even _try _to start a fight in my store, I'll skin you alive…' Mokoto breathed, a dark aura around her, holding Sasuke by his neck against the wall.

'But he-'

'Do you want me to go get my knife?' Mokoto purred sweetly.

'No ma'am.I'm-'

'Ma'am? I'm a year older than you little shit, so don't you_ dare call me ma'am!_'

'I'm sorry! Forgive me Mokoto-chan!' Sasuke squeaked out, almost passing out from air loss.

'Oh, it's all right dear!' Mokoto said with a giggle. 'Should I stay for the meeting, Kakashi-kun?'

Gai's eye twitched as Mokoto started flirting with his rival, his_ rival_ of all people, when he had been trying to ask out Mokoto for a year, but was afraid of rejection…_GAWD, I WANNA CRY! _Gai mentally.

'Yes, you have been a victim also.' Kakashi sighed. 'Everyone here is…'

'What do you mean?' almost everyone said. In the background, a dark chuckle and a '_foolish little brother'_ could be heard.

You must have wondered, wondered how Jiraiya has gotten so many new books out suddenly. He's come out with 6 new Icha Icha books in a year! At first, I was overjoyed, because, well…you know… but anyways! Moving on! I noticed some similarities. The first one seemed like someone I know but it took me awhile to place it. Itachi, Kisame, and Konan, congratulations. You are the stars of Icha Icha Paradise: the renegade shinobi's day off.

'What!' Konan shrieked. 'That was one time!' Everyone shuddered _Too much info… _

'Naruto, Tsunade, Sakura and Shizune, you guys have your own book. Icha Icha Paradise: The boss' assistants.' Kakashi continued.

' I'm in it?' Naruto turned pitch white._ I was training with him for… '_Fuck!'

Kakashi continued listing books, some more in which Naruto played some role, leaving a disturbed blond.

Ino and Deidara in one book.

Shikamaru, Choji and Naruto in another book.

Asuma and Ino.

Gai and Lee.

Naruto and Sasuke ( That kiss was a freaking accident! T.T don't fucking start Itachi!)

Several other pairings that I am too lazy to list at the moment, so you can make them up.

' So,' Kakashi concluded, 'obviously, we have to do something to solve this.'

'Is that all of the pairings he set us in?' Kurenai asked, disgusted.

'Well there is one more, where Jiraiya makes an appearance himself.' Kakashi said, hesitating. 'It's not even out yet, Jiraiya wanted me to proofread it for him…'

' Who?' asked Sai, who was actually disturbed.

'…Hinata and Jiraiya. The story is presently untitled. I'm not sure how bad it is, I didn't even get to finish the first chapter before I figured it out.' Kakashi said, sighing with disgust.

' He what?' asked Hinata, without a stutter and in a dead serious tone.

'I'm sorry.' Kakashi said. _During that joint mission, she was such a sweet girl. She didn't deserve this…_

'The son of a bitch…'Hinata breathed. Everyone looked shocked. Hinata never swore.

'H-Hinata-chan'? Naruto asked , shocked.

' The bastard wrote me with him! Where the fuck is he? I am going to murder him!' Hinata screeched.

'Woah, slow down, Hinata!' Kiba said, grabbing a hold of her arm. She ripped herself free from Kiba's grip.

'No! I will not slow down! Instead, I'm going to torture that bastard until he apologises and is begging for death, then release him from his suffering and see if anyone can find his corpse!' Hinata snapped at Kiba. Then, Hinata seemed to return to normal. 'Oh, Kiba, I'm so sorry for yelling at you! I-I just, I'm still so angry…'

'Mmm, yeah,' Temari sighed. 'I like Hinata's idea. We really should go through with it.'

'Unfortunately, we can't kill him.' Tsunade sighed. 'If we did, we would lose most of the information we get on enemies and other villages. We can, however torture him.' She said with a smile.

'Will everyone get a chance? And can we include others in our plans without them losing their turn to make him suffer?' asked Hinata.

'Yes.'

'I request a truce long enough for the murder of the toad sage.' Pein said.

'I just said I can't let you kill him. You may, however make him suffer and leave him screaming. Just nothing lasting or that leaves him with any fears other than a fear of entering a woman's hot spring. As long as you can do that, we have a truce.' Tsunade said.

'Very well.' Pein said.

'foolish little brother, do you know what this means? We have time to bond now!' Itachi said happily.

'Fuck you!' Sasuke screamed.

'Not to disappoint, but don't want to bond that way brother. Anyways, I thought that's what you kept the kyuubi brat around for?' Itachi said, ignoring his brother's outraged cry.

After several more minutes, everything was figured out and the official treaty between Kohona and the akatsuki was signed, as well as a treaty between the akatsuki and Suna (for Gaara's safety during the revenge campaign) and Tsunade addressed the waiting mass of revenge-obsessed ninja.

'We have decided that it would be easier to draw people's names from this jar instead of picking who gets revenge first. We also decided that Jiraiya will not be informed during our period of revenge why we are harming him, though he eventually will figure it out. Everyone write down your name on a piece of paper, and put it in this jar. Kakashi will draw a name.' Tsunade said. Then, as an afterthought, she added' being a negotiator sucks.' Everyone did so then, Kakashi drew. Lucky person 1 is…

rawr

So you can vote who should be first and how they will make Jiraiya suffer. I plan to make Hinata, Sasuke, and Itachi's revenge to wait until midway through the story. So to vote,message your choice and method of torture because I can't pick. I will credit you for the method of torture. Oh, Mokoto also might get a chance, if you want her to, leave it in a message.

Ja ai ne(still not sure if I got that right)

Rikku, Kisa, or whatever you want to call me.


	2. temari's revenge

I don't own Naruto, I can't draw that good…yet.

Soooo… I haven't got many votes. Two, actually. I've been favourited and put on people's story alerts, for which I'm grateful, but I need people to tell me who should get revenge next and possibly how, because I want to keep my readers happy. I am going to try and guess at this, but please, it would be easier with more input. Oh, any stores or things from this world that I refer to, just pretend the exist in the naruto world.

So, if may I present to you, chapter two of Jiraiya's last peep, where the 1st person to get revenge is…

Ducks

'… Temari.' Kakashi finished. Temari smirked.

'I have an idea, and I can do it my self. All I need is a very small fan, for stealth purposes.' Temari said with an evil grin.

'So you don't need any help?' Naruto asked, disappointed.

'Well… it would be easier with a decoy. Any woman who volunteers will have to put up with talking to Jiraiya, probably being almost groped, and not throwing up in his very presence. Anyone up for the challenge?' Temari asked. Nobody rose their hand. Then…

' I can do it.' Naruto said. ' I have my sexy jutsu to look like a girl, and I'm used to dealing with him.'

Temari shook her head. 'No, it can't be you. He's seen you in your sexy jutsu too many times. Would you be to teach it to the other boys, though? Maybe one of them will help me.' Temari looked at the boys expectantly.

'I'll do it.' A voice said. Everyone looked to see Mokoto raise her hand.

' We are talking about seducing a ninja.' Sasuke said, giving Mokoto his signature I'm-better-than-you look. 'I don't think you can-' In a second, Sasuke was pinned against the wall and Mokoto's fury was upon him.

' Oh right, you think I can't seduce him? Well, why doesn't the great and all powerful Sas_uke _volunteer?' Mokoto hissed a- a _giant lollipop? _Held to his throat.

' Yes, and your really going to hurt me with a lollipop…' Sasuke said with smirk. Half a second later, a lollipop was shoved down Sasuke's throat as Mokoto began pummelling him.

' I am not useless and-could-seduce-him-way-better-than-you could EVEN IF YOU WERE A WOMAN!' Mokoto screamed. She dropped him, watching the blood pool around his still form. After Sakura, Tsunade, and Ino healed him so that he didn't die from blood loss, Sasuke continued.

'I meant to say that you might kill him before Temari gets a chance to get revenge.' Sasuke said, slightly pale.

'I can restrain myself when I have to.' Mokoto growled, making Sasuke look away. He masked his terror by turning toward Temari.

'Idit…' Sasuke mumbled something. Itachi had a gleeful look on his face.

'What was that, brother dear?' Itachi almost purred.

'I'll…' Sasuke paused, getting the willpower to say what he was going to. ' I'll do it. Naruto, teach me that jutsu, I'll-' Sasuke shuddered in disgust. ' I'll s-_seduce_ him.'

'My my, I never knew you had a thing for older men, Sasuke…'

' I AM NOT INTRESTED IN MEN!' Sasuke screeched at Itachi. 'I-I just… I can't lose to Mokoto…' Sasuke said in a determined tone.

'Oh, I can do so much better!' Mokoto said, fire in her eyes.

'We can solve this easily. Tomorrow, both Mokoto and Sasuke will try to get Jiraiya's attention as woman. The one who succeeds in getting more attention will get to help me.' Temari said. 'Agreed?'

Both Sasuke and Mokoto nodded, 'Agreed.'

The rest of the night was spent teaching Sasuke the sexy jutsu, which he perfected after the 10th try. Naruto ended up hugging Sasuke, saying that 'he was so proud of him' and that 'he makes a very pretty girl', resulting in Naruto getting punched in the face. The meeting ended with Kakashi wishing everyone a good night's sleep, and asking them to not hang around Jiraiya any more than they usually would. Most people went to bed, content with Mokoto's promise to videotape Sasuke's attempt at seduction, while some people decided to swing by anyways. The Akatuski were depressed that they were going to be stuck living with Sasuke and listen to he and Itachi arguing all night. They did, however, rejoice in the thought of driving Sasuke insane when he was home.

There were four people, however, who refused to sleep. Two would not sleep until they had the beginnings of their revenge plans done. The Hyuuga compound was filled with an evil giggling, as Hinata planned her revenge. Oh yes, she refused to let Jiraiya get away simply. He would suffer, oh yes he would. On the other side of town, a Uzamaki Naruto was brooding, refusing to sleep until he had thought of some way, any way to get him back for writing such thins about him. So far, the scroll lay blank on any writing, as Naruto cursed his lack of ability to write anything decent that would ease his mind enough to sleep. The other two were in the Uchiha compound, one unknowingly drinking a truth potion, while the other was gleefully asking about an "accidental" kiss.

ducks

It was morning. Mokoto was in Temari's room, getting a tiny wireless video camera attached to her, so nobody would miss 'Sasuke-chan's little performance', while Sasuke was already transformed into a woman and picking attempting to pick out feminine attire with Konan's, and unwillingly the rest of the Akatuski.

'Um… how about that skirt, yeah?' Deidara asked.

'You baka, we already tried that skirt on. It made me look like a fat whore.' Sasuke said. 'I'm going for the look that I look after myself, but don't even need to put the effort in, not cheap, dirty whore that you find in every town. I want to look ravishing so that I can outdo Mokoto.' Sasuke said, slipping on another skirt. 'Does this skirt make me look fat?' Sasuke asked. Everyone just stared at him, then burst out laughing. 'Oh god. It's that bad isn't it? I've got to change now.' Sasuke said with a sigh.

'Don't worry brother. You look-' Itachi sniggered for a moment. 'You look beautiful. Sasuke was wearing A black skirt with a chain going from the waist to the right side of the skirt from hot topic and a black sweater with kimono sleeves. The inside of the sweater was red. He had white nylons on that went up to his thigh that had white bows at the top.

'You make a very pretty woman.' Kisame said, grinning. 'Maybe we should go out some time…'

'Are you hitting on my foolish little sist- ah, I mean brother?'

'No Itachi, I didn't mean anything, I'm sorry.'

"So now she isn't good enough for you?'

'I didn't mean it like that!'

'So you are attracted to my sister.'

'No, I'm not, I swear. Sasuke is very pretty, but wouldn't be interested in me!'

' Why are you referring to me as a girl?' Sasuke asked, breaking apart their discussion. 'Now, we have to come up with a nice feminine name for me, one that Jiraiya would like. I was thinking… Tiffany, you know, like Chucky's wife?'

'No, it just doesn't fit you. How about Ryoko, or maybe Kisa or Rikku?' Kisame asked.

'Well we all know why Kisa was thrown in there.' Itachi grumbled.

'What are you ranting about?'

'Just that Kisa I the female version of your name.'

'Are we on this again? I just threw it in because my one cousin is named Kisa!'

'Sure she is. What do you think I am, retarded?'

'Bye, I'm off to top Mokoto at her own little game. If you two spill blood clean it up. If you break anything, you will die. Oh, I'm will use the name Rikku.' With that, Sasuke walked out of the room to find Mokoto and start the competition.

Ducks

'Hello Sasuke-chan.' Mokoto said, smirking. Sasuke blinked.

_And I worried… damn it, I never even has a chance… _all of the work Sasuke had put in seemed like a waste. Mokoto wore a simple blue summer dress, and a bit of tasteful makeup.

'Today, call me Rikku. You ready to lose?' Sasuke said, ignoring his inner doubts.

'All right, there he is.' Mokoto pointed to Jiraiya who was walking down the street. Then, Mokoto twitched. 'We approach him together?' She asked. Sasuke nodded. Both women walked towards the white haired man, internally cringing. They were three meters away when Jiraiya looked up at them.

'Hi, I'm Rikku…' Sasuke said with a giggle.

'And I'm Mokoto…' Mokoto breathed with soft smile.

'Why hello ladies, I'm Jiraiya, how are you two beauties doing?' Jiraiya said with a small smile. Both Mokoto and Sasuke saw that twinkle in his eye and knew what he was thinking. _We should have approached separately… _

'Oh, Jiraiya's your name? What a strong, masculine name…' "Rikku" sighed 'We would be doing better, except we're looking for a nice place to get breakfast.' Sasuke said shyly. 'Would you know somewhere nice?'

'Well, it just so happens that I was getting breakfast myself. I can show you this little café, has really good service. I'll show you where it is, maybe we can share a table…' Jiraiya said casually.

'Sure. See Rikku, people are much nicer in Konoha than living with Uncle Dale!' Mokoto said.

'So, Rikku, your from out of town?' Jiraiya asked.

'Yeah, I live near Gomer town. I'm here visiting my cousin.' Sasuke said with a smile.

Two long hours later

'So we'll both meet you at seven for dinner then?' Mokoto asked with a giggle.

'Yep. See you both tonight!' Jiraiya said grinning. _Score!_ Jiraiya thought.

Ducks

'So, we have two decoys for tonight?' Temari said with a grin. 'How did it go?'

'Ugh, he's such a perv. He spent the entire time with this twinkle in his eye, and you could just tell that the entire time he was singing "I'm getting lucky" in his mind.' Mokoto said with a disgusted sigh.

'A perv? That's a freaking understatement. He was touching my thigh under the table, and when you went to the bathroom, he started saying all of these gross things.' Sasuke cringed. 'Well whatever. I've got to go pick out a dress that doesn't make me look fat…'

an hour before the date

Sasuke and Mokoto were in front of the hot springs, almost crying. 'Why Mokoto? Why does that spawn of perversion, that disgusting author have to be here?' Sasuke whispered.

'Don't worry Rikku,' Mokoto whispered back. She scratched at her neck, activating a hidden microphone. 'Temari, he's at the hot springs. We can finish your revenge right now.' She whispered.

'That's great, I'm hurrying over now.' Temari said. Then Jiraiya noticed them.

'Hi ladies, what a coincidence, use all being here at the same time!' Jiraiya said happily. 5 minutes later, they were trapped in a private hot spring with them. Temari was hidden in one of Jiraiya's peeping hole that he made. They were all in the water, Mokoto and "Rikku" the farthest they could be from him. _We aren't a distraction, we're martyrs… _Sasuke thought. Jiraiya approached them. Temari grinned. _One simple wave of this fan, that's all it takes…Sorry my little martyrs_…

'I think you both are really beautiful…' Jiraiya murmured. Then suddenly, Temari struck.

'Eeekkkkkkk!!' Sasuke and Mokoto screamed._ Temari. Will. DIE!! _Sasuke and Mokoto thought. Jiraiya fell on their chests.

'You pervert! You pig! You scum!!' Sasuke screeched.

'I- it was an accident!' Jiraiya stammered. _Oh fuck! Abort! Abort! _

'How dare you, you disgusting filthy creature!' Mokoto yelled, slapping him. Both "Rikku" and Mokoto put on there bath robes screaming bloody murder. Jiraiya ran to his clothes, only to find them missing, as well as his towel. He went pale as he smelled smoke.

'Where are my clothes?' he squeaked, already knowing the answer.

'We burnt them dear.' Mokoto purred, pulling out a kunai. Without a thought as to how the public or the hokage would react to him streaking, he ran. He ran until he tripped, falling through a door, into a girl's hot spring. Jiraiya made it to the hospital before passing out from the multiple bruises, the scratches, and major blood loss.

The next day

'What do you mean that you can't do anything to them? No punishment, no fine, not even a freaking warning?!' Jiraiya yelled at Tsunade, glaring at the two women next to her.

'If you, a capable ninja of the village, can't protect yourself from two civilians-no offence to you two.' Tsunade added, looking at Mokoto and Rikku, then sighed. 'You are no longer allowed in the Setsui hot springs, Mokoto has you banned from her shop, and the women in the hot spring are suing you.'

'Are they suing me?' Jiraiya jerked a thumb towards the "Rikku" and Mokoto. "Rikku" smirked.

'No, we aren't suing you. You humiliation is enough for us to be happy.' Sasuke's smirk got darker. 'If I ever see you again, I'll have you assassinated.' he turned to Mokoto. 'I'm going back to live with Uncle Dale. Not to seem rude, but I would like to leave as soon as possible…I'm sure you understand.' He looked to his feet.

'I understand, cousin.' Mokoto said softly. With a final glare to Jiraiya, the "cousins" left.

Ducks

'Lucky person number one has successfully humiliated our target. We also have two more additions to our group of vengeful ninja.' Everyone resisted the urge to murder as Orochimaru and Kabuto appeared. We also have a home recording from Mokoto, that I'm sure we'll all enjoy.' Tsunade grinned, pressing the play button.

'_Oh, Jiraiya's your name? What a strong, masculine name…Your really strong, and attractive too… You really think I'm pretty? Oh no, please don't flatter me…' _

'No…' Sasuke whispered, hearing all of the laughter, all at him.

'Now, without further ado, we shall draw another name. Temari, you draw.' Temari stepped up.

'The next luck bastard to make the sorry prick suffer is…'

Ducks

Ok, I know. I got totally sidetracked with making Sasuke cross-dress, and Mokoto is no longer a minor OC. Both accidental, I swear. Temari was hardly in her own chapter, but if I wrote it again, I probably would keep it the same. I hope for more input, this story is intended for the people who enjoy Jiraiya being humiliated, maimed, and beaten half to death. Oh, not like you care, but Sasuke's outfit is my dream outfit. 8 typed pages for this story so far, the most I've ever typed in my life for one thing.

So, Ja Ai Ne (seriously, can someone tell me if that's right, it's supposed to say later love) Just call Me Rikku.


	3. Deidara's revenge

This chapter is a little( Ok a lot) late, I'm sorry, but I place the blame on my teachers, who decide to make all of the assignments due this week…damn teachers… but on a happier note, summer is here, so I should be able to write more.

Oh, I noticed some spelling mistakes in the last chapter. I am so sorry, I'll be more careful this chapter, and correct them.

Warnings/ Disclaimer- The characters are OOC in this story, not like I own them anyways…

JDucks will take over the worldJ

'…Deidara.' Temari said.

'I can do it, yeah. A distraction would be nice though. Does anyone have any plans with him tomorrow?' Deidara asked. No one did.

'I have plans with Jiraiya on Tuesday. We would be getting lunch. If you can't wait the one day, then you can go do your plan yourself.' Naruto said, shrugging.

'He has a meeting with me on Wednesday.' Tsunade said offhandedly.

The rest of the night was spent planning, arguing, compromising, and Sasuke and Mokoto arguing some more. Everyone returned to their homes, with visions of Jiraiya blowing up in their heads.

at the Uchiha main house

'Enough clay?' Sasuke said sarcastically.

'Enough for the entire week, yeah!' Deidara said, grinning like a psychopath. Sasuke turned to Kisame and, unintentionally, Itachi.

'You live in the vicinity of this person?' Sasuke said to Kisame, a blank look in his eyes.

'We are to be pitied.' Kisame said, nodding. 'You should really sorry for Sasori. He has to sleep in the same room as Deidara.'

' I'm not sure,' Sasuke said. 'It looks like they're really close…' Sasuke shuddered as Sasori kissed Deidara on the cheek.

'Don't be too disturbed. They're like this a lot.' Kisame said, sighing.

'Excuse me, but are you talking to my foolish little sister?' Itachi questioned Kisame.

'What? I'm just talking.' Kisame said, sounding as though he couldn't see anything wrong with it.

'I'm not a girl, I'm a boy!' Sasuke shrieked. _He's referred to me as his sister 76 times since I started counting… _

'No yelling! I'm trying to sculpt my tiny masterpieces at the moment, and yelling is bad karma, yeah.' Deidara snapped at them.

'Why don't you go make them in you room then. I am the owner of this house, and I'LL YELL WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT!' Sasuke screeched. 'Gawd, your as annoying as Ino… and look like her too…'

'What the fuck was that? DO YOU WANT ME TO BLOW YOUR SORRY ASS OUT OF THIS HOUSE YOU LITTLE BASTARD?!'

' I would like to see you try. Just suck it up and stuff your bra. Just because you were born flat chested does _not mean you get to take it out on me!_'

'You little fu-' Deidara was cut off as he was hit with a frying pan. Konan glared, branding the frying pan.

'I got forced to cook you a late supper, so the least you can do is shut up and give me peace and quiet to cook in.' Konan hissed. 'Seeing as how the kitchen is at the other end of the hall, I didn't think I would have to mention it, but apparently I do. So everyone shut up or I'll never cook again. Alright?' she finished in a frigid tone.

'Bitch…'

'What the hell did you just call me Hidan?'

'Nothing miss Konan. I apologise.' Hidan said, only because he was hungry.

Sasuke sighed. _I hate these people. I really, really hate these people. I can't wait until these bastards are gone, except for Itachi, who'll be in a grave… _

In the darkness of the Hyuuga compound, Hiashi Hyuuga was walking. He was sure he was going insane, he could hear a strange giggle every now and then for the last few night. He rounded the corner, eyes on Hinata's room. He activated the byakugan, looking through the door. Hinata was writing something, and, surprisingly, Neji was in the room with her. _Odd… _Hiashi thought. He knocked on the door. 'Hinata, Neji, are you two all right?' He asked, hesitating.

'We're fine father.' Hinata called through the door. _That's odd… _Hiashi thought. _Hinata isn't stuttering. She has been getting better, but she sounds so… sure of herself. _

'All right, goodnight. Neji, get to bed soon.' Hiashi said, leaving.

'So, what do you think Neji? Is it good?' Hinata asked. Neji nodded.

'Yeah, it's good. I think you should keep going, but…' Neji hesitated. 'Don't do anything that might get you hurt. It seem pretty dangerous, considering just _who_ we are screwing with. Be careful.'

'I'll be careful. That pervert won't even stand a chance, he won't know what hit him until he's writhing on the ground screaming.' Hinata said with a determined tone.

Neji twitched. _I am never pissing Hinata off again… _

At the same hour, Naruto was cursing his revenge block. _So many ideas, but all of them are… too small. I need to screw him up so bad, he'll avoid me for the next week, but what to do? _Naruto sighed, deciding to go to bed, putting his empty notebook in his desk.

Tuesday

'Hey, Pervy Sage!' Naruto greeted. Naruto blinked, looking at his source of recent insomnia. The white haired ninja looked like hell. 'Hey, you all right? You sort of look like you've been slapped in the face.'

Jiraiya resisted the urge to glare at his student. _It's not his fault, it's those witch's… _'So what? You haven't heard?' Jiraiya asked, depressed.

'That you got kicked out of the Setsui hot springs and beaten half to death by Mokoto and her cousin? Ya, I heard. Sucks to be you, but it's your own fault.' Naruto pointed out. 'Hey lets go, I'm starving.'

'Ok Naruto.' Jiraiya said, a faint smile on his lips. The blonde boy always cheered him up. He got up off of the rock he was sitting on, only to see it explode seconds after. 'Oh, fuck! Naruto, did you just see that?'

'See what?' Naruto turned, looking at his teacher.

'The rock I was sitting on-' he cut himself off as he saw the rock in perfect condition.

He didn't sense anyone hostile around(other than an a irritated Sasuke), or sense a genjutsu. 'N-never mind. I guess I'm going a bit crazy from stress.' He and Naruto walked off to the ramen stand.

333

'Thanks again, Itachi. The genjutsu helps a lot in driving him over the edge, yeah.' Deidara said.

'Hn.' Itachi grunted. Sasuke was twitching.

'Why are you so cheerful at home if your just going to revert back to your anti-social self?' Sasuke growled.

' Because, foolish little brother- and note that I called you brother- while working as a ninja, one should remove themselves from work. As the akatsuki has me working 24-7, I was unable to say hello because I wasn't really me!' Itachi chirped.

'So then who the hell is the psychotic murder then?' Sasuke asked, still pissed, but also curious.

' My ninja personality takes over when I'm on a mission, and I don't fight against it because normal me can't do what ninja me does on a daily basis. I named ninja me Akito, you know, from fruits basket?' Itachi said, still extremely cheery.

' So let me get this straight, un. Your _naturally _this cheery?' Deidara asked, looking freaked out.

'Ayep.' Itachi said happily.

'Um, time to catch op with Jiraiya and Naruto, yeah…' Deidara said, pointing to the two shapes in the distance.

333

Jiraiya's POV

Lunch went well. Wait, did I sat well? I meant it was a fucking disaster. I sit down at the ramen place that Naruto likes so much, only to have the stool _blow up _underneath me. I have to pay for a new stool now. Oh and Naruto apparently "didn't see in blow up". Apparently, _I_ broke it. Then, I figure my day was getting better as I saw the sexiest girl I've ever seen, only for her to turn out to be one of the girls who beat me half to death at the hot springs. My cheek really hurts right now. So yeah, I guess that these incidents alone would be enough to make my day suck, but no, the girl working at the ramen bar passes me the ramen, only for me to spill it all over myself as I could have sworn I saw her blow up. Great, more hallucinations, as I'm presently seeing everything in the ramen bar exploding, but seeing as how naruto isn't running, and I still don't sense any genjutsus or hostile people( I'm the best ninja in town, so I'd be able to sense either) I'm obviously going insane. Oh well, it's been a long- wait, they're gone. The hallucinations, I mean.

'Um Naruto, you don't sense any genjutsus, do you?' I ask. Naruto blinks, then concentrates.

'No… ' Naruto mutters. I turn to my empty bowl, only to see that explode as well. 'Pervy Sage, why did you break your bowl?' Naruto asks. I twitch.

'You have to pay for that too.' the ramen bitch points out. I throw some money on the counter, which surprises me that it hasn't spontaneously exploded yet, and storm off, muttering a goodbye to Naruto.

End of POV

Naruto inspected the money, before looking up at Ayame. 'Is that enough?' Naruto asked.

'Yes, it is. It's enough to cover your lunch as well.' Ayame said with a smirk. 'Oh, if you need any help with getting revenge, just tell me.'

'A-ayame?' Naruto stammered.

'I'm pretty observant. And anyways, with the release of his new book-' Ayame pulled out a little orange novel. 'He's made this personal.' Ayame's smile grew sour. ' The guy I'm paired with sounds almost like Ibiki, not that I have any problem with him.'

'So, you noticed it too?' Ibiki appeared out of thin air. ' I'm sorry young lady.' Ibiki said to Ayame, before turning to Naruto. 'Where do we sign up?'

'Um, you'll have to ask Baa-chan or Kakashi-sensei, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to invite other people…' Naruto trailed off.

'It's the end of my shift.' Ayame cheered. 'I'm going to the hokage tower, see you later Naruto, Ibiki!' Ayame cheered, walking off.

'Wait, I'm coming with you. See you Naruto.' Ibiki caught up with Ayame.

Naruto blinked. _Life is weird. Totally screwed._

Wednesday

'I'm going crazy Tsunade. If I see one more thing blow up-' Jiraiya was cut off as a pencil on the desk blew up.

'You owe me a new pencil.' Tsunade muttered.

'I shouldn't have to! It blew up! For the love of Kami-sama, I can't take it any more! Can you sense a genjutsu?' Jiraiya was shrieking by this point.

'No I -'

'Do you sense anyone hostile!?''

'Other than yourself, no-'

'Then what the hell is going on?'

Tsunade sighed. 'Your stressed. I think you shouldn't go on any missions for awhile, see if it helps. The hallucinations should stop, or at least slow down. Go read a book, rent a movie or something, whatever calms you nerves.'

Jiraiya seriously doubted it, but didn't have much of a choice as he was shoved out of the Tsunade's office. He was shocked, however, as it turned out she was right. After relaxing, the hallucinations slowed down. There was still some, but they had slowed down considerably. After 2 days, the only random explosions left were the ones that actually blew something up, though the blame was always placed on him, saying that he broke it. Infuriating, but tolerable, as even these were slowing down. Jiraiya guessed that by the end of the week, he would be sane again.

Rawr

' Well, Deidara's revenge is complete. I assume that Itachi's part in you plan is done?' Tsunade asked.

'Yes, Itachi's part is done, and I must say that you've been a great help, yeah.' Deidara grinned, hugging Itachi, who glared. 'I'm going to still occasionally blow something up, and thanks to my newly developed genjutsu bombs, it will look like he's breaking these things, yeah.'

'We also, if you haven't already noticed, have two new members to are group, as Jiraiya has released a new book recently. Presenting Ayame and Ibiki. Now, If Deidara will draw the next name we can move onto the next plans.' Tsunade said with a smile. Deidara went to the jar, and drew.

'The next lucky person to have fun is…'

Yes, I'm sorry it took so long to update. I again blame it on my teachers, who I won't need to see after my last two exams. I'll try to update weekly, so after 10 days, you have all right to yell at me, and it would actually be helpful since during the summer I have absolutely no motivation. So, who will be next? Oh, 13 typed pages, I'm so proud!

Seeing you later, Rikku.


	4. A new book again?

_Lets see… I started typing this about 2 hours after posting the 3__rd__ chapter, so let's see how long this takes… Oh thank you to all reviewers, I'll try to reply to the reviewers. Itachi's OOCness is explained._

_I disclaim, and warnings of some OOCness _

'_The next lucky person to have fun is__…'___

'Konan-chan!' Deidara cheered. 'I'm so happy for you, yeah!' 

'Is it really my turn?' Konan asked, shocked. Deidara nodded, smirking. 

'Why don't you beat him half to death with a frying pan?' Hidan grumbled. 'Your fucking lethal with the thing…' 

_Flashback to the night before… _

'Please Konan-chan? Please cook us dinner. Tobi promises to be a good boy!'

'Shut the fuck up Tobi!' Hidan snapped, voice raised.

'How many times do I have to tell you people NO YELLING IN MY HOUSE!' Sasuke screamed.

'You just yelled…' Itachi pointed out, taking some asprin. 'So one, you're a hypocrite. Two, do any of you have any respect for a man suffering from the biggest headache of the century?' Itachi groaned as Hidan was screaming at Tobi. Sasuke, meanwhile was shocked to see his brother's personality change again. He turned to Kisame.

'He has issues. He probably shouldn't have jumped off of the roof of the house earlier.' Kisame muttered with a shrug. 'He may stabilize into a normal being if you forgive him…'

'I don't wanna.' Sasuke wined, pouting. The conversation was cut short as the unwilling cook screamed in annoyance.

'Shut it, Hidan.' Konan snapped. 'If you swear or threaten Tobi one more time, honest to Jashin, I _will_ bitch slap you.'

'Just cook dinner, you stupid heathen bitch.' Hidan growled.

'Hidan, watch your-' Pein was cut off as Konan hit Hidan over the head with a frying pan.

'What the fu-' Hidan was cut off as he was hit in the face with the same frying pan.

'Do I have "maid" written on my forehead?' Crack. 'Do you really think I'll bend down and listen to you?' Crack. 'You know what? You can just STARVE!' Thwack. The last hit knocked Hidan on his knees. He was covered in blood. He looked up to see the woman he offended, with another frying pan in her hands. She smiled. 'Guess where this one's going…' Konan breathed.

Hidan gulped. _Jashin is probably laughing his ass off right now_…

_End flashback _

'I wouldn't have gotten so dangerous with cooking utensils if it weren't for the fact that you people won't stop irritating me while I'm cooking.' Konan pointed out. 'Sakura, Ino, Hinata, Temari, Kurenai and even you, Ayame-' Konan paused. 'If you got stuck always cooking for your squads-or the public-, it would get annoying after awhile, right?' The girls looked shocked. _An Akatuski member talking to them? Like a normal human being?_

'Of course.' Sakura and Ino both said, recovering.

'Kankuro does the cooking. I'm… challenged in the culinary arts.' Temari admitted with a sigh, choosing her word carefully.

'If my students tried to make me cook, I'd just use a genjutsu and run like hell.' Kurenai said with a shrug. 'It hasn't come up yet, and I don't think it will.'

'If I cook one more bowl of ramen, only to be told "It isn't good enough" I will personally hunt down an slaughter the one who said it, shinobi or not.' Ayame breathed. 'I am so sick of the public.'

'What about you, Hinata?' Konan asked. Hinata blushed at being singled out.

'I-I like cooking. I usually end up cooking the meals on a mission.' Hinata mumbled.

'Yeah, I like cooking as well, but I bet you don't have a masked nutcase begging you to cook his favourite meal every day, or a blonde boy screaming at a red head who just stares at him, infuriating him more. You also don't have to deal with this guy-' Konan gestured towards Kakazu. 'Asking how much every ingredient costs, or this guy-' she pointed to Hidan. 'Calling you every name under the sun. Pein is fine, he just sits there, trying to ignore everything, but hen there's Sasuke, Kisame, and Itachi all arguing about Sasuke and Kisame's relationship, which gets downright irritating…' Konan sighed the last bit with a smirk.

'Um, no, I guess I don't have to deal with all of that.' Hinata agreed. 'So, what was that about Sasuke and Kisame?' She asked, smiling sweetly. All of the colour in both men's faces drained.

'It's nothing!' Sasuke snapped.

'It was all a misunderstanding.' Kisame added hastily. Itachi's eyebrow rose.

'So, am I to assume that you aren't interested in my foolish little sister?' Itachi asked suspiciously.

'Exactly!' Kisame and Sasuke said at the same time. 'And how many times do I have to tell you? I am a boy. A male. It's Sasuke-kun, not Sasuke chan or Sasuke-hime.'

'Whatever. Sooner or later, you'll have to admit it.' Itachi shrugged.

'Anyways moving on.' Tsunade said hastily. 'You have an idea?'

'I may have thought of something.' Konan admitted, pulling out a small book. 'I was thinking plan 27, but with your help Lady Tsunade, I could do plan 68.' Konan put the book on the table, ignoring the shocked looks. Tsunade read plan 27, a with slight smirk. When she flipped to plan 68, she looked absolutely evil.

'If you could wait a short bit, we can do plan 68.' Tsunade said with a grin. The rest of the night was spent working out the finer details. Before the meeting was finished, however…

'So, is that everything?' Tsunade asked.

'Hey, Sasuke, is there any tequila in the house? Hidan just challenged your brother to a drinking contest.' Konan explained. Sasuke twitched. The last time Itachi had tequila was when he helped Deidara that first day…

'Itachi is not drinking tequila. He gets too screwed up.' Sasuke stated.

'If I give you the money, there's nothing that you can do. I'm of legal age.' Itachi said smugly.

'I could just not buy you alcohol, and keep you money.'

'Well, well, well, my little brother, a thief?'

'If you had any tolerance for tequila, I would buy you your alcohol if you paid for my vodka as well. I refuse to deal with you as a disturbingly happy psychotic murderer.'

'Wait,' Naruto cut the brothers off. 'I want to see the drinking contest. If _I _have to buy the drinks, I need to see this.'

'Naruto-' Sasuke was cut off.

'You are now in my best friend circle.' Hidan said.

'I am not dealing with Itachi under the influence of tequila with only his coworkers and Naruto as back up.' Sasuke said in a dead voice.

'So it's a party?' Kankuro said with a grin.

'No.' Sasuke stated. 'I think the Akatuski has drinking problems.'

'Well we do get bored.' Itachi stated. 'If you would let up play videogames with you, we wouldn't be buying the village's entire supply of alcohol. You could also get a some new books or a puzzle or _something_.' the rouge shinobi nodded.

'Yeah, we are actually going to die of boredom soon. Some candy would be nice, seeing as you have absolutely nothing sweet in the entire compound, yeah.' Deidara sighed.

'If I get puzzles, books, and let you play video games, will you people shut up?' Sasuke growled. The answers came in.

'Ayep.'

'I haven't really talked much since we got here anyway.'

'I was never bitching, but it would be nice…'

'Of course, yeah!'

'It's not like you don't have the money.'

'Obviously, dumbass.'

'An occasional owl to eat would be really good as well, since you don't want me to eat people...'

'Tell me I'm a good boy once in awhile. That would make Tobi happy.'

'As long as everyone is making themselves look less retarded, I'm happy.'

'Hire a cook while your at it.'

'Ok, so the meeting is pretty much done, right?' Mokoto pitched in.

'Yeah, it's time to go home.' Tsunade said happily. 'Goodbye, see you next meeting, some of you sooner.'

Everyone left tired, having been drained listening to the constant bickering. Ayame was starting to walk home when Sasuke and Konan walked up to her.

'Hey, Ayame…' Konan started. 'You said you hate cooking for the public, right? Well, nobody presently living in the Uchiha compound would be cruel, and if they are you can just hit them. So, maybe you would like to help me with cooking?'

'I-I guess…' Ayame stuttered out in shock. So, no cooking for the public?'

'No cooking for the god awful public..' Sasuke agreed. Ayame smiled, until Naruto came from the nearby ally that he(apparently) was hiding in.

'No Ayame! You can't stop cooking ramen! I love your ramen!' Naruto was shaking.

'Um, I'll still cook it for you Naruto. Your always really kind to me and-' she grinned.' you give people hell for being rude to me.'

'Thank you, Ayame-chan!' Naruto hugged her before running off with a cheerful 'Goodnight' to everyone.

Everyone had a peaceful sleep. They were satisfied with what was to come, so could justify placing their own dreams of revenge aside for the night…

RAWR

'So, are you still hallucinating?' Tsunade asked.

'Occasionally…' Jiraiya admitted with a sigh. Tsunade looked thoughtful for a second.

'I was thinking maybe you would like to participate in an origami class. It would give you something to focus on and distract you from the hallucinations.' Tsunade pointed out.

'I can find other things to distract myself.' Jiraiya muttered. 'I don't want to learn origami.' There was a moment of silence.

'Girls really love origami.'

'So, when is this class?' Jiraiya perked up instantly.

'It's a private class. ' Tsunade said. 'I know, it's strange,' she started, cutting him off. 'but she wants her students to become "origami masters".' Jiraiya smiled as Tsunade said "she". 'Whatever works for her.'

'I'll still go. So when and where do I meet her?' Jiraiya asked.

'Tomorrow, in room 68 of the academy.' Tsunade fought the urge to smirk.

'That's good. Hey, can you proofread my new book? Only the first chapter, there's nothing that will ruin you there.' Jiraiya asked, pulling out the manuscript.

Tsunade sighed. Every time he wrote a new book, he always begged her to read it. Then, a thought came to her. _Who's in this book? _

'If I read the first chapter, will you stop hounding me every time you write a book?' Tsunade snapped.

'Sure, sure.' Jiraiya said, laughing, handing over the creation of his own twisted imagination.

'So, what is it about?' Tsunade asked, sighing. _That's right, keep the act up, just keep acting…_

'It's a love… pentagram, as Nanabi of the prestigious Ryuuga clan and her friend, Soegi, find themselves loving the same three boys, Edon and Sonokamaru, Soegi's team mates, and their teacher at the academy, Shruka.' Jiraiya went on like a giddy schoolgirl, not seeing the horrified look on the Hokage's face. 'After fighting with one another, dating all three, and trying to choose, they realize that the actually love one another! So Nanabi and Soegi run off to get married, and all is happy again.' Jiraiya finally paused. 'So, what do you think?'

'… I am _not_ reading this.' Tsunade growled whipping the chapter at Jiraiya's head.

'I thought so…I shouldn't have told you the end.' Jiraiya grumbled to himself. He walked out, as the visitors from sand came in. Seeing the look on Tsunade's face, they stopped halfway across the room.

'What did he do?' Kankuro asked.

'I need you three to do me a favour…'

_Later, at the ramen stand… _

'I can't believe today is your last day…' Naruto sighed. Iruka looked at him sympathetically.

'I know… I'm free!' Ayame giggled.

'I'm happy for you Ayame-chan.' Hinata said appearing out of nowhere, Hanabi walking behind her. Could I have two bowls of miso ramen please?'

'Hey Hinata-chan, Hanabi-chan. Sure.' Ayame said with a smile. 'Hey Konohamaru-kun, Udon-kun, Moegi-chan. What would you like?'

'Hi everyone.' Naruto greeted.

'Hi Naruto.' Konohamaru, Udon, and Moegi all greeted. Everyone was caught up in their greetings, so caught up they didn't notice the Kazekage and his family standing there. Finally, Naruto noticed them.

'Hi guys!' Naruto chirped.

'Hello.' Gaara greeted. 'So, let's see, apparently, we are supposed to find these 5 people to join our cause.'

'What cause?' Iruka asked suspiciously.

'"The destruction of Jiraiya without killing him because he wrote perverted books about us cause."' Kankuro said with a bitter smile.

'Who's the new book about?' Ayame asked with a disgusted sigh.

'Apparently, this new book has characters that are almost completely like-' Gaara took out a small list. '- Iruka, Konohamaru, Moegi, Udon, and-'

'We're in that pervert's book?!' Konohamaru and his friends hissed. Iruka looked like he would kill something. Or someone.

'Hanabi Hyuuga.' Gaara finished. Hanabi looked freaked out. 'Me?' Hanabi's head turned around suddenly, hearing her sister suddenly start swearing.

'The bastard…' Hinata breathed. ' So, what are you going to do for revenge?'

'I-I-I mean- What the fuck am I supposed to do? If he finds out he can get me back ten times over… it's not worth it.' Hanabi sighed in frustration.

'We have a copy of the first chapter.' Kankuro said, shrugging casually, pausing. 'Did we mention that "Nanabi" and "Soegi" end up in a lesbian relationship after eventually sleeping with "Sonokamaru" and "Edon", their friends, and their teacher "Shruka"?'

'… He's dead.' All of them mutter. Then, Hinata perked up. 'Oh, Hanbi-chan, you can help me now! I had this idea, this amazing idea-'

'You have three seconds to explain yourselves.' Hizashi Hyuuga said, watching the group of ninja calmly.

LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK

A cliff hanger, I know. I just need to get this out, and I keep coming up with ideas. Iwill get the next half of the chapter out faster, though, as I know how cliffhangers make me want to cry. I have Hinata's revenge planned out, and will require the help of all of the Hyuugas. I know, I'm taking away from all of the fun. After Konan, I was thinking maybe Sasuke next? There are also some things I would like to clarify. Baki was left in charge of Suna, and the sand siblings are living in guest apartments, keeping them in Konoha for the timespan of revenge.

Also, to those of you who don't know, trying to include all of these characters is a very, very, difficult task. Kankuro is one of my fav characters, and he's only just really done anything. Sad, ne?

Again, also(Don't worry, I shut up soon) I'm starting a fic about everyone's first missions. Starting with Itachi, who get's to search for a cute wittle kitty…


	5. Konan's revenge

Yes, I know, I was cruel with the cliffhanger. I'm trying to reply to people's reviews now, but as I have a summer job, I won't even be able to write as much. Sorry, but as my Mp3 player was stolen (Yes, stolen) I need to get the funds to buy myself a new one, and before school starts, so I can go back to ignoring everyone on the bus again. Yeah, I'm not exactly what you would call social when I'm stuck waking up at 6:00 in the morning for school everyday. So, now continuing, Jiraiya's last peep (which will be shortened to JLP, because I'm kind of lazy) chapter 5. Konan's revenge.

Rawr

'_You have three seconds to explain yourselves.__'__ Hiashi Hyuuga said, watching the group of ninja calmly. _

'F-father!' Hinata said, shocked. He usually stayed home, and, although Hinata (And several other Hyuuga family members, of both branches) would never say it, they all figured he was just crazy and didn't trust "outside people".

'Jiraiya is a respected member of the village, and should not be subject to an assignation attempt by his own village.' Hiashi said. Temari cut him off before he could continue.

'Do you know what he's writing?' Temari asked, eyes narrowing.

'I don't approve of his stories, but there will always be people writing filth like that.' Hiashi sighed. 'So that is no reason to kill him.'

There was a moment of silence.

'What if he was writing about the villagers?' Hinata asked. 'What if he wrote about every one of our friends and acquaintances? What if he wrote about Neji, and Hanabi, and me?' There was no stutter to her voice. 'We won't kill him, but we _will_ punish him. We will make sure that he _never _does anything so stupid again.' Hiashi was shocked. In all of her life, Hinata never sounded so sure of herself. Then, something she said clicked.

'He wrote about you three?' He said, looking at his family.

'He's written about everyone. Your family, Naruto, Shino, Sasuke…everyone. Even me.' Gaara muttered. The fly he was glaring at suddenly fell out of the sky, dead. Kankuro passed over the chapter of the book.

'The first chapter of the newest story,' Kankuro explained. 'The one with Hanabi in it. The Hokage gave it to us to give to Hanabi. Apparently, her name was slightly altered, but it's no doubt it's her.' Kankuro explained, realizing how awkward it was talking to this man.

'The Hokage knows about this?' Hiashi asked.

'Yeah, we would have already killed him otherwise.' Ayame muttered.

'Which people have my family been written with?' There was a stage calm to his voice. The calm before an awful hurricane.

'That's the only one with Hanabi-chan.' Naruto muttered. 'Neji's been written with Tenten, Ino, and Lee.' Naruto paused, looking disgusted. 'Hinata-chan has been written with the pervert himself.' There was another pause.

'Where do you meet?' Hiashi asked.

'Mokoto's sweet shop. Mokoto has a book that she stars in as well.' Temari growled the last bit.

'I can't leave the main house too often. Hinata, Neji, Hanabi, I expect an update as to what is happening. Understand?'

'Yes.' they all said. Hiashi started to leave, but stopped.

'Oh, and Hinata…' He smiled. 'I like the idea on page 53.' With that, he walked off.

"This seems… unreal." Neji muttered. "I doubted he would actually care." Everyone nodded.

"So, you were saying about a plan?" Hanabi asked. Hinata's psycho smile flashed on instantly.

"Well, there was this one plan where…" Hinata began to explain several plans which had everyone around her terrified, except Neji, ho had already known about half of them. "The plans I've told you, they're the ones I'm picking through. If any of you want, I'll let you use the ones I'm not using." Hinata offered.

"…Er, that's fine Sis, Really." Hanabi muttered. Everyone else muttered random excuses, except Naruto.

"Would you have any plans that aren't so… overkill?" He asked awkwardly.

"I can understand not wanting to torture him that bad, cause he's almost like a dad to you, but remember what he wrote Naruto." Kankuro said. "He wrote you with Shikamaru, Neji, Lee…" he watched Naruto begin to twitch. _Just a little bit more… _"and also don't forget what he wrote about you and a certain Mr. Sasuke. Uchiha." Kankuro smiled as Naruto began swearing.

"May I borrow Plan 76? You did sound less enthusiastic about that one." Naruto asked through gritted teeth.

"Um, s-sure Naruto-kun. You'll n-need to t-tweak it a bit though." Hinata stuttered out.

"Thanks Hinata-chan!" Naruto ran up and hugged her. "Alright, I've got to go now, I haven't slept properly since this thing started and I'm gonna collapse soon!" At this, Naruto ran off in the direction of his apartment.

"Wow, he's pretty hyper for someone about to collapse…" Temari muttered. She looked up to see Hinata a deep shade of red. "Are you all right crazy girl?" She asked.

"N-Naruto…h-hugged…" Hinanta passed out.

Rawr

Jiraiya's POV

_Let's see room 68, right day… please oh please, let her be a fox! _I chant this in my head over and over. I open the door. _Well hello there! _I see the foxes of all foxes standing there-like right _there_! Beautiful long purple hair, bright green eyes, pale skin, but it suited her. Wow. Every crappy pick up line I know ran through my head.

"I'm Jiraiya. Tsunade arranged lessons for me. And you are…?"

"Oh, I'm Kimberly Amavia, but everyone calls me Kimi." The girl answered. _Cute name, cute girl… wow, this will be awesome… _

Konan POV

I sigh to myself. I had cast a henge jutsu to change my appearance since he knows what I look like, and it sucks. I also had to dress skimpy. I could get him eating out of the palm of my hand if I looked like myself… and he didn't know I was a psycho murder… Ugh, and look at him, flirting like such a whore, he looks so stupid it's almost cute. No, think normal, remember the book! Ok, I'm good now.

"Um, I screwed something up. What did I do wrong?" he asks. I inwardly moan. He knows what he fucked up. It's obvious what he did wrong, he just folded it the wrong way. I grab his hands to guide him, like the super attractive caring teacher should. _Ugh, gag me. _

"Thank you Kimi-sensei. Wow, I managed it…" Well, I'm not surprised that the idiot can play the super clueless fool. He does such a good job at it as well, _so _surprising.

"Oh, it's all right." I say with a giggle. "Many people have trouble with origami." I look at the origami flower. It actually turned out well. I would assume that he has done origami flowers before.

Later..

Ok, so he's also done origami frogs. Whatever.

Again, later…

So why the hell is he taking this class if he knows how to make everything? Frogs, flowers, cranes, flamingos, you name it, he can make it!

"Wow, you're one of the best students ever. Have you done this before?" I ask.

"People have tried teaching me how, but it never really made sense when they tried teaching me. It was like another language." Jiraiya admitted. "You're the best teacher I've ever had. Thank you." With that he hugs me. I twitch. I can't hurt him yet. Then, he kisses me on the cheek. _Oh hell no! _

Jiraiya POV

What the hell? There are origami cranes flying around. What? They're attacking me?! Ow, paper cut!

"What the fuck?" I start cussing and swearing. I destroy a few, but I'm outnumbered. They just keep coming!

"I am sick and tired of this shit!" I screech. "Every guy I teach tries to screw me!" Whoa, so she was always this hot? "I'm happy I met this blue-haired girl, she taught me how to do this!" All of the cranes attacked simultaneously. Then, the frogs, most of which I made today, start jumping one me!

"I'm sorry let me go!" I cry. Yeah, she doesn't stop.

_An hour later… _

Jiraiya was gasping on the floor. He lost a decent amount of blood. Konan sighed, then smiled. "One more thing…" She cooed sweetly. Konan took out a frying pan, and cracked it across his head. She smiled. "I love doing that. It's so fun…" with that, Konan walked out. It took a few hours, but eventually, Iruka walked in. He contemplated just leaving him there, but he had to pretend not to know. So that was how Jiraiya ended up in the hospital…again.

RAWR

"I'm disappointed. You've been beaten half to death by another civilian. Are you actually that good of a ninja?" Tsunade sighed outwardly, but inside, she was laughing her ass off.

"She knew jutsus! Do you know how many origami monsters were attacking me?" Jiraiya snapped. He was pissed because Tsunade was right. _I suck…_

"Then where did the bruises come from then?" Tsunade asked looking annoyed.

"She hit me with a frying pan!" Jiraiya growled, and began to swear very colourfully.

"I think you need to train more. I've arranged for you to train with Might Guy and his team. I think you need it." Tsunade sighed. Jiraiya went white. He watched them train before. They went to the extreme, and, Jiraiya wanted to do the least amount of movement possible when he wasn't on missions. He wouldn't be able to research for… how long? The thought horrified him.

"How many days?" Jiraiya asked.

"Guy will be the judge of that." Tsunade said. _A few weeks, probably. _she thought gleefully.

"Damn…" Jiraiya sighed. There was a moment of silence before Guy came in.

"So this is the sannin that has lost touch with his youth? Don't worry Jiraiya-san, I shall help you!" Guy's voice burst from the doorway. Said shinobi was standing there in his green spandex and youthful glory. "Meet me and my team at training ground 11 at nine in the morning, and we'll see what we can do to help you're pursuit for youth! Farewell until tomorrow!" Guy left, with Jiraiya depressed.

"This is going to suck…" he sighed.

RAWR (Extra story: A dysfunctional summertime Christmas) 

"Well, you called us here, brat. What is it?" Kakazu drawled. Sasuke had called everyone in the house together in the living room. He was surprised as a box was chucked at his head.

"Yarn. Sew as many sweaters as you want, Kakazu." Sasuke growled. " Would you like to get your presents yourself, or have them thrown at you?" he snapped. Everyone came over.

"Oh, rabbits! You're the best, Sasuke-chan. **People would be better… **Oh, shut up." Zetzu began arguing with himself. Tobi opened his gift next.

"Custom-made chocolate?" Tobi asked. When Tobi opened the box, he gasped. "It says I'm a good boy! Thank you Sasuke-kun!" Seeing Tobi so happy(and referring to Sasuke as a boy) made Sasuke smile slightly at the simplicity.

"Konan, I hired a cook. Ayame will start tomorrow, and I bought you some patterned paper." Sasuke muttered, handing her a box of coloured paper.

"Thank you little sister." Konan smiled, looking through the papers. They were beautiful. Sasuke twitched, annoyed, but continued.

"Hidan, a book on swear words and insults. Have fun calling Kakazu a money tight bastard in German, Spanish, and Al Bhed." Sasuke chucked the book at his head.

"Aw, nee-chan…" Hidan messed up Sasuke's hair. "You're the best." Sasuke was horrified to find he was getting used to being called a girl. Pein opened his gift next.

"Piercing needles. Nice. Thank you, daughter." Pein almost smiled.

"No problem, Pein-kun." Sasuke sighed. "Deidara, do you like your sculpting book?"

"Yes, I do. Thank you, Onee-chan, yeah." Deidara grinned.

"Thank you for the screw driver set. Now I can repair my puppets easier, I didn't have any this small." Sasori gave a small smile. A box flew at Itachi's head. Itachi opened the box carefully, expecting a trap. When it didn't explode or send kunai flying at him, he relaxed. He smiled when he saw his gift. A special mix CD, with all of his favourite songs(Unless the play list Sasuke wrote up was wrong) and a sweater he had been eying in the store the other day.

"Nii-kun, thank you…" Itachi smiled. Kisame picked up his gift, which was in a medium sized box. When he opened it, it revealed an envolope and a light blue kimono that he immediately knew would look good on him.

"Thank you, Sasuke-chan." Kisame said with a smile, beginning to open the envelope. "Gift cards for Setsuya? That's the best restaurant in the leaf village. Thank you again, Sasuke-chan." Itachi looked over Kisame's shoulder to see that there were _two_ cards for free meals.

"Well, well, two cards?" Itachi couldn't help but smirk. "And who will Kisame be going with nee-chan?" The colour in Sasuke's face drained.

"Oh God, I just made this worse, didn't I?" Sasuke whimpered.

"Much, much, worse, yeah." Deidara said with a smirk.

"There are more presents, I'm going to go to my room now…" Sasuke said in a hollow tone. "You won't have to drink as much now, right?"

"We won't." Kakazu muttered. "It's a waste of money anyways."

"Ok, good night then." Sasuke said in the same hollow tone.

"We can send Kisame up with you…" Hidan offered with a smirk, only to be punched in the face by the blue man.

"Let's look at the other presents, shall we?" Kisame said with a happy smile, though a complete dumb ass could sense the hostility radiating from him.

"Alright." everyone agreed simultaneously. Sasuke didn't leave his room for three days after the incident, but finally broke down and came back downstairs when he was about to gnaw his arm off from hunger, and all was normal once again.

…I'm sorry this took so long! By the time I got to the end of the chapter, I had quit my summer job and had a week of readjusting my sleeping habits back to sleeping at night. I know, I suck, but please, reviews are nice, and believe it or not, actually help me write faster… and I'm trying to write a real novel while I'm at it…though it's not going well. Then, I have other stories I'm attempting to update as well.. I'll try to write more often I swear.


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